Ten Annoying Things About New Yorkers

I like living in New York but some things about New Yorkers bug me. Here are ten of those things:

1. They stand in the street while waiting to cross. That extra second they’re saving by standing in the street, where the cars ARE, rather than on the sidewalk, where they AREN’T, is worthless. There is a reason we as humans separate the sidewalk from the street. New Yorkers don’t seem to get it.

2. They are information one-uppers. New Yorkers treat information as a test. Tell them something and they will need to prove that they know more about that thing than you do. E.g., “I found a great pizza place on Bleecker.” “Oh yeah? The place you really need to go to is on Spring.”

3. They say “on line” instead of “in line.” “In line” makes sense — people in a queue have formed a shape roughly similar to a line.  But “on line?”  Where is this line? Why are we standing on it?

4. They think their city has the best hot dogs. The typical New York hot dog is a thin, boiled gray weiner that has been sitting in stale water for hours. The predominant flavor is whatever condiment you put on it. The “snap” sound that occurs when you bite into the casing is supposed to be a big draw. But shouldn’t taste be paramount when it comes to judging food? Honestly, Toronto street dogs, for example — grilled, big, juicy, with a wide array of condiments — kick the crap out of New York’s puny boiled logs of blandness.

5. They think everyone else is dumb. Unless you are from London, Paris, or Tokyo, New Yorkers will not treat your opinion about “cool” or, really, anything cultural as not worth listening to. New Yorkers know everything and they knew it before you did.

6. They are everywhere. If you want to watch a movie for free in a public park, you will have to get there hours  early and compete for blanket space with ten thousand other people. If you want to eat brunch at a quaint neighborhood restaurant, you must be prepared to wait 45 minutes for a table because everyone else in your neighborhood wants to do the same thing. If you want to take a Sunday afternoon tour of an abandoned train station in downtown Brooklyn, you must expect to be joined by hundreds of others. For such a knowing group of people, they don’t seem to have much inside information.

7. They always blame someone else for ‘ruining a place.’ Despite having read about all the same places on Brownstoner, or, more likely, in Time Out New York, every New Yorker will blame every other New Yorker for finding out about some “cool” spot and then having the gall to show up there, thus ruining it.

8. They are insufferably nostalgic for things they do not actually want to re-experience. Bushwick before the hipsters moved in. Union Square when it was a drug zone. Park Slope before the yuppies. Scratch a New Yorker when they’re reminiscing about this kind of stuff and you will find someone who is sad about getting older — not someone who actually wants to be mugged on the subway just like they were in 1977.

9. They take walking personally. Sometimes people walk slower than other people! The nerve!

10. They live in New York. If they didn’t, I get could a table at that great restaurant without having to wait on line and it would be just like it was back in the early ’00s. Now get out of my way!

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