Archive for December, 2009

10 Ways To Impress A Lady With Your Pad

December 30, 2009

1. Electronics: You can never have too many flat screens. Picture in picture should be a small flat screen glued to the corner of a larger flat screen.

2. Wine: Always have wine with French stuff on it. And I’m talking words, not berets. For instance, get a decent Pinot Noir, and you’ll be detecting hints of Fe and Llatio all. night. long.

3. Literature: A Kindle with 400 titles won’t impress her. Dostoevsky’s ‘Angela’s Ashes’ will.

4. Exercise: Oh “what’s that”, you ask. That’s my ab-roller. It’s spelled B-E-E-J-E-R.

5. Donations: Receipts from charities you’ve given monies to. When she trips on your massive pile of Mickey Dee bills, take one receipt and tell her you made a contrib-yoosh of $5.62 to the Ronald McDonald House. For the cost of a Big Mac combo, an unfortch kid with a glandular problem (aka, you), was treated to a Big Mac combo.

6. Artwork: Dogs playing poker? The only dog playing poke her will be you.

7. Music: Matisyahu. Guaranteed your menorah gets lit. Though some ladies are suckers for a little Bubbly n’ Buble.

8. Pets: I watched ‘Sex and the City’ for like 5 minutes one time while I was tossing the pigskin and knocking back Heinies, and the only animal worth the fur on its tail is the rabbit. Also falls under the Electronics category.

9. Food: Michelina’s. We’re talking off-en-tic Eyetallyano. Throw that shit on a plate and she’ll think you’re the president of a bank. And the only thing this bank does, is make deposits.

10. You: Just be yourself!


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The Jew Who Saved Christmas

December 24, 2009

Stolen Footage from the Greatest Movie Ever

December 21, 2009

Not sure how it happened, but someone, acting without permission, obtained a still of a scene from the upcoming holiday and world cultural classic, “The Jew Who Saved Christmas.”

If the rest of the movie is HALF as good as this image, then we’re dealing with a work of art and entertainment greater than was possibly imagined.

Important Announcement

December 18, 2009

The Holidays are about to get way fucking better. Next week, Talvid’s fucking masterpiece cinematic debut, “The Jew Who Saved Christmas,” will premiere in this space. Rest assured, it will make Avatar look like throw up.

Stay tuned — as if you had a choice.

Travel Tips

December 18, 2009

Pretty much all the time, I’m getting flown to London or Tokyo or Dubai to consult on how to make shit bad-ass. Now, when I fly, I’m first class all the way — better than FC actually. Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a special section in every plane that the cattle in coach, business, and first class don’t even know about. That’s where I sit.

But as anyone who’s seen Up in the Air knows, experienced air travelers like Clooney (gay, beeteedubs), have all sawts of twicks ub da twade. Like, fer instance, the ones below:

1. Always sit next to hottie. The tension is delicious. And if you decide to buy a whole row of seats so you can have some room to stretch out, then make sure some eye candy is sitting across the aisle from you.

2. Don’t settle. The waitresses have like ninety hundred bags of salty sesame treats — they can fucking spare to give you six or seven of those tasty little fuckers.

3. Booze it up.

4. Music is croosh. I bring a boombox and then play fucking sweet mellow jams for the whole plane to groove to — Fyst, Lady Hock, Feenix — primo shit. Trust me, the waitresses like to dance.

5. Mark your territory. I like to bring a little syringe full of piss and then squirt it in the bathroom and on the adjacent seats. Then, friendarinos, human instinct kicks in, and people know whose space is whose.

6. Establish armrest control. When the person next to you sits down, say, “Small talk bullshit blab blab,” then, with panther-like prowess, grab tight hold of their windpipe, pull their face close to yours, and whisper, “My arms get tired from choking choads like you all day — do me a solid and keep your claws off the armrest.” This has never NOT worked for me.

7. Relive your tension before getting on the plane. You know what I mean.

Don’t Forget

December 17, 2009

If you’re still looking for a party guaranteed to get you off:

Apartment 201 is doing it up again to ring in 2010 with a blast!

Dig up your party hats and come celebrate the end of the decade at our wonderful place!

There will be dancing, food and an ample supply of noisemakers.

And way more pussy than last year.

Talvid Admits to Bad Things

December 16, 2009

Talvid1

how much money would it take for you to give a blowjob?

Talvid2

to anyone in particular?

Talvid1

whoever, yeah.

Talvid2

fuck, that’s tough

Talvid1

just answer, i don’t have all day.

Talvid2

i dunno. 40 bucks?

Talvid1

cool. i hope your mother doesn’t read the blog.

Talvid2

why?

Make the Check Out to Cash

December 16, 2009

Among other industries, Advertising often looks to Talvid for advice. So here’s an idea Advertising can try out next time it’s working with a fashion company that makes winter coats.

Let’s say the client, or, “account” is Benetton or something. You get them to whip up like 1000 fucking badass winter coats. Really bright, vibrant colors, but with no identifying markers — no logos, no slogans, no “branding.” Then you give those fuckers to homeless people. Hobos are scavengers, and will take that shit for sure.

What happens next? The virus spreads. People will be walking around, going about their business, and see all the hobos wearing these fine, fresh winter coats and be all like, “How’d all these no-hopers get such cool shit? And where can I get one?”

It’s not just normals that’ll notice — journos will too. Who is behind the winter coats? Is it charity? Is it a gang costume? The mystery will deepen. Hysteria will build.

Eventually, somehow, someway, the secret will get out. The fancy clothing company was behind it. Story’s over.

N’uh uh. It’s just beginning. People will think about what’s happened. They’ll be confused. Was it charity? Was it advertising? Then, some hothead will put it together that human beings — and that term is used loosely vis a vis primo facto hobos — were being used as billboards. Other people will pick up on that idea. A debate will ensue. Is it okay to use humans as unwitting advertisements if the product they’re advertising is beneficial to them. Edgy, provocative stuff.

This strategy is good for at least four days of publicity.

A Peek Behind the Curtain

December 15, 2009

We all know that you’ve often wondered, “How does Talvid do it?” Well, there’s no easy answer to that — it’s a bit like asking how a car drives or a spoon spoons. But in the spirit of giving, here’s a transcription of an excerpt from one of Talvid’s famous brain-storming sessions. No guarantees that this method will work for you, but, as you can see, it’s worked wonders for Talvid.

You’ll prolz wanna take notes:

Talvid1 says:

dude, pump the blog. it’s stagnant as a beehatch.

Talvid2 says:

what’s the traffi today>

Talvid2 says:

Huge as yewszjh

Talvid1 says:

been shit for too damn long

Talvid2 says:

it’s the normal midday lag

Talvid1 says:

if we don’t acknowledge this “midday lag”, doth it not exist?

Talvid2 says:

I tried that tactic with you and it didn’t work

Talvid1 says:

good one shecky

Talvid1 says:

you got something stuck in your teeth, bro

Talvid1 says:

it’s my dick

Talvid2 says:

stop stealing my joke of calling people shecky

Talvid1 says:

which would make it pretty small.

Talvid1 says:

but implies that you suck it, regardless of its tinectitude

Talvid2 says:

you’re such an idiot

Talvid2 says:

how could I be essing your dee at the same time as I’m banging your mom?

Talvid2 says:

do the math

Talvid1 says:

it’s called a menage a tree

Talvid2 says:

knock knock

Talvid1 says:

who’s there?

Talvid2 says:

Your mom

Talvid1 says:

my mom who?

Talvid2 says:

Go away I’m banging Talvid!

Talvid1 says:

haha

Talvid2 says:

oooh

Talvid2 says:

ooooh

Talvid2 says:

so goood

Talvid1 says:

when you gonna have something for me to see

Talvid1 says:

jew saving xmas wise.

Talvid2 says:

don;t worry about it

Talvid1 says:

it’s what i do

Talvid2 says:

worry about your own stuff

Talvid1 says:

I worry constantly

Talvid2 says:

is that why your face is like that?

Talvid1 says:

covered in your mother’s woman jizz?

Talvid1 says:

i don’t see a connection.

The Worst News Ever

December 14, 2009

When big news happens, you tend to handle it better if you’re sitting down. If not, the blood might retreat from your brain, causing you to faint. But really, to sit or to stand, it’s never your choice. The best you can hope for is to be seated. It’s just safer that way.

I remember things vividly from that night. My family and I were traveling north. It was the Hanukah time of year. Happiness and glee are supposed to be the norm. Yet, outside it was cold and dark. In retrospect, I should have taken that as a kind of foreshadowing. To make matters worse, there was a driving rain coating our vehicle, keeping it from securely planting its four wheels on the slick pavement. The occupants in the front seat were silent. Almost in a premonitory way. Then. Then the unspeakable happened. Looking back on it, I’m certain that the seatbelt around my shoulder kept me from reaching out in horror and smashing my face through the passenger window. When something like this happens, preparation is the last thing on your mind. We reached the intersection. The traffic light an ominous red. And that’s when it happened. One of the “St. Louis” chicken wing franchises had changed its name to “Bistro”. Honestly, what the fuck is that shit.

No one ever told me how to handle bad news.

Hot damn could I go for a cooch stogie right about now. Get Brofi Annan on the horn(y).