1. Electronics: You can never have too many flat screens. Picture in picture should be a small flat screen glued to the corner of a larger flat screen.
2. Wine: Always have wine with French stuff on it. And I’m talking words, not berets. For instance, get a decent Pinot Noir, and you’ll be detecting hints of Fe and Llatio all. night. long.
3. Literature: A Kindle with 400 titles won’t impress her. Dostoevsky’s ‘Angela’s Ashes’ will.
4. Exercise: Oh “what’s that”, you ask. That’s my ab-roller. It’s spelled B-E-E-J-E-R.
5. Donations: Receipts from charities you’ve given monies to. When she trips on your massive pile of Mickey Dee bills, take one receipt and tell her you made a contrib-yoosh of $5.62 to the Ronald McDonald House. For the cost of a Big Mac combo, an unfortch kid with a glandular problem (aka, you), was treated to a Big Mac combo.
6. Artwork: Dogs playing poker? The only dog playing poke her will be you.
7. Music: Matisyahu. Guaranteed your menorah gets lit. Though some ladies are suckers for a little Bubbly n’ Buble.
8. Pets: I watched ‘Sex and the City’ for like 5 minutes one time while I was tossing the pigskin and knocking back Heinies, and the only animal worth the fur on its tail is the rabbit. Also falls under the Electronics category.
9. Food: Michelina’s. We’re talking off-en-tic Eyetallyano. Throw that shit on a plate and she’ll think you’re the president of a bank. And the only thing this bank does, is make deposits.
10. You: Just be yourself!