Piss on toilet seats

The feeling of sitting down on the toilet seat, prepared to experience the sweet relief of dropping a scud, or marbles, or soup cans, or sidewinders, or logrollers, or cinnamon hearts, or breakfast sausages, or brown misting it only to realize I’d lowered my peach of an ass onto a small warm puddle of piss is, maybe, the worst experience known to man. Seriously, I’d H-O-Caust it rather than sit in pee.

Unfortunately, the whole piss on the toilet seat problem has persisted into adulthood. Of course there are situations where you expect p on the t seat — bars, rock clubs, the bathrooms of people with neuromuscular diseases. But the office bathroom? The head at fancy restaurants? Boooool sheeeeit.

So why is this a problem? Laziness. Let’s face it: when it comes to dick tasks, bros are overconfident. “I can totes get all my u-rine in the toilet bowl. I don’t have to lift no sissy lid.” In a lot of cases though, dudes should lift the sissy lid. It takes two seconds. Granted, you could use those two seconds to move the needle or wet your beak on something livity dank. Or, you could do all your man bros a solid and lift the seat so we don’t have to sit in your germ-ridden unjizz.

But whatever you decide to do vis-a-vis pissing, re prima facie, ex post faxso, don’t do what this kid I went to high school with did. Once, this is maybe grade ten, I was sitting on the john, half straining my neck muscles trying to force out a teardrop of dung and half just cold chillin’, when all of a sudden someone starts pissing on my Sauconys. I say, “What the fuck?” Voice says, “Sorry, I didn’t know you were there.”

Even if I hadn’t been there, the dude would’ve been straight up pissing on the floor. The seat is always preferable to the floor.

Always.

Every time.

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