Starfucking 3: The Return of Starfucker

So there’s this movie out now called The Road. Viggo Mortensen stars in it. From what I can tell the movie is about a Dad who goes on a hike with his kid and it turns into a great adventure — sort of a mishmash of Home Alone and Waterworld on land.

If you’ve seen the trailer for the movie then you know that Gettin’-Viggy-With-It’s character gets confused a lot — maybe he didn’t bring a map or compass or whatnot. But I have an inside scoop for you: Viggy Smalls is often confused in real life too.

I know this from personal experience. Here-Viggo-Round-the-mulberry-bush was once on the same LGA-LAX flight as me. While we were in the air, shit was cool — first class was big enough for two stars of our magnitude. But when we landed, things got real.

Unforttch, I’d forgotten to get cash before we took off. So when we landed, Ol’ Uncle Me needed a quick chedda infusion. Thankfully, there was an ATM in the terminal near our landing gate. But who do I see hogging all the kee-zash but Viggy Stardust himself, accompanied by a bodyguard who looked like a man version of the girl from Precious.

Being a gentlemanly type, I waited patiently while Viggo-my-Eggo fumbles with the ATM like a blind, deaf, and dumb virgin quadrapleeger who was raised in a sensory-deprivation tank groping at the ladies on a Make-A-Wish trip to a ‘dello. Finally, Shits’n’Viggles gets his cash and I step up to do the same. But the ATM screen is beeping like it’s a skee ball ramp at Suck-Me-Pleese’s. “End transaction?” it says. So I say to Viggledy-Piggledy “Are you done with your transaction?” He responds with a look like I just told him that the fat kid from Rudy out-acted him in Lord of the Flies. Then I just hit, “OK” and he mumbled “Thanks.”

This post is the first time that either of us has talked publicly about the incident.

Think about that while you’re watching the Road.

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