Top Ten Movies of 2009

1. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
The spread of hot’n’hawny single momzers taking their kids to see this flick was unparalleled in 2009. Saw it 17 times.

2. Powder Blue
Based on the 26-second clips that some websites were offering as part of their free tour, this movie offered filmgoers their first glimpse of Jessica Biel’s baby bags. No other film offered such a singular (dubular?) cinematic experience this year.

3. Twilight: New Moon
Totally lucked out with this one: there was no one else sitting anywhere near me when I went to see it, so I set up my video camera no problemo. Bootlegged the shit out of it.

4. The Blind Side
Rich Sandra Bullock teaches a poor black oaf how to feel, learn, and play football. Dr. King’s dream fulfilled, on film.

5. The Fantastic Mr. Fox
I don’t really get what this movie had to do with the guy who ran across Canada on one leg, but I liked the parts when the animals talked.

6. Where the Wild Things Are
This movie was so boring that I left halfway through, but when I stopped into a Best Buy on the way home I got a sweet deal on some UFC DVDs — never would have happened if I hadn’t shelled out for this furburger.

7. Inglourious Basterds
Invaluable both as entertainment and education. How many of us can honestly say they knew that Hitler was killed in a movie theater? Riveting stuff.

8. Michael Jackson: This Is It
It totes is, MJ. It totes magotes is. Also, I snuck in. So it makes the list on dollar value alone.

9. An Education
In a bravura performance sure to be rewarded at Oscar time, newcomer Carey Mulligan delivers a poised portrait of a young girl on the edge of becoming a woman. In a word: Hepburn-esque. [Trust me Brobots, you’ll be in for good times if you say something like that to a certain type of Kindle-owning coog.]

10. Holmes
This doesn’t come out until Christmas so I didn’t see it yet, but you just know that the first time the Iron Man looks into the camera and says, “Fundamental, my dear Johnson,” everyone in the theater’s sphincter will wrinkle with delight.

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