Top Ten Signs You’re Single, Loser

  1. You masturbate under the sheets so as not to disturb, well, yourself.
  2. You belittle yourself when you return home to an unmade bed.
  3. Fuck your rubber ducky, dude — no, not like that!
  4. You put diet cream soda in your Brita.
  5. Lionel Richie’s “Easy” is your alarm clock song. Even on Monday. And every other day of the week.
  6. Your neighbours don’t buy your “sock on the door” shtick.
  7. You have four open tissue boxes going. (And buy baby oil in bulk.)
  8. Gourmet microwave meals? More like More gay.
  9. You start to think the Dahms had some good ideas for freezer usage.
  10. You masturbate with the toilet seat in the up position.
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3 Responses to “Top Ten Signs You’re Single, Loser”

  1. H-bomb Says:

    preach.

  2. talvid Says:

    nrectarine.

  3. H-bomb Says:

    witty.

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