Travel Tips

Pretty much all the time, I’m getting flown to London or Tokyo or Dubai to consult on how to make shit bad-ass. Now, when I fly, I’m first class all the way — better than FC actually. Don’t tell anyone, but there’s a special section in every plane that the cattle in coach, business, and first class don’t even know about. That’s where I sit.

But as anyone who’s seen Up in the Air knows, experienced air travelers like Clooney (gay, beeteedubs), have all sawts of twicks ub da twade. Like, fer instance, the ones below:

1. Always sit next to hottie. The tension is delicious. And if you decide to buy a whole row of seats so you can have some room to stretch out, then make sure some eye candy is sitting across the aisle from you.

2. Don’t settle. The waitresses have like ninety hundred bags of salty sesame treats — they can fucking spare to give you six or seven of those tasty little fuckers.

3. Booze it up.

4. Music is croosh. I bring a boombox and then play fucking sweet mellow jams for the whole plane to groove to — Fyst, Lady Hock, Feenix — primo shit. Trust me, the waitresses like to dance.

5. Mark your territory. I like to bring a little syringe full of piss and then squirt it in the bathroom and on the adjacent seats. Then, friendarinos, human instinct kicks in, and people know whose space is whose.

6. Establish armrest control. When the person next to you sits down, say, “Small talk bullshit blab blab,” then, with panther-like prowess, grab tight hold of their windpipe, pull their face close to yours, and whisper, “My arms get tired from choking choads like you all day — do me a solid and keep your claws off the armrest.” This has never NOT worked for me.

7. Relive your tension before getting on the plane. You know what I mean.

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4 Responses to “Travel Tips”

  1. Illdo Says:

    I have to disagree about #7. Why do before the plane ride something that’s fun to do on the plane? Jerking off in an airplane bathroom is a great challenge. It’s loud, impersonal, unarousing.

  2. talvid Says:

    Whatever dills your pickle, Brotros Brotros Ghali.

  3. rich Says:

    do you guys do any work during the day?

  4. talvid Says:

    Rich,
    No.
    -Talvid

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