It’s a fact: Talvid’s voice is one of the eight so-called Seven Wonders of the World. Waitresses have been to known to break into tears of joy at the simple sound of the words, “I don’t tip on principle.”; Friends have radiated smiles upon my saying, “You owe me for gas”; Babies have squealed in sheer bliss after hearing me coo, “What a pathetic little weiner you have.”
As a result of having a golden voice, no one ever bothers asking, “What kind of accent do you have?” That’d be like asking the sun what type of beautiful it is. You just accept it. But I understand that some of you might have a hard time distinguishing one accent from another. The key is to be able to associate the accent with something that reminds you of the culture it comes from. Know what I mean? You will. Because I’ve put together a handy little guide to help you decipher five of the toughest accents.
1. Does the person talking to you sound like they’re juggling coconuts in their mouth and roasting a pig on a spit and bottling fresh volcanic water for re-sale in North America? Then they are from Fiji.
2. Does the person talking to you have a simian brow, wear a cheap leather jacket, dance the mazurka, and take swigs of wodka in-between sentences? Then they are Russian.
3. Does the person talking to you smell like falafel and sound like they’re constantly hocking up phlegm? Then they are from the Walloon region of Belgium.
4. Does the person talking to you sort of have a tone that suggests they are better than you and won’t sleep with you? Then they are most likely a girl
5. Does the person talking to you sound like this: $$$? Then they are a Jew. [Don’t worry, Talvid is Jewish. We’re allowed.]