Archive for January, 2010

Deciphering Accents

January 22, 2010

It’s a fact: Talvid’s voice is one of the eight so-called Seven Wonders of the World. Waitresses have been to known to break into tears of joy at the simple sound of the words, “I don’t tip on principle.”; Friends have radiated smiles upon my saying, “You owe me for gas”; Babies have squealed in sheer bliss after hearing me coo, “What a pathetic little weiner you have.”

As a result of having a golden voice, no one ever bothers asking, “What kind of accent do you have?” That’d be like asking the sun what type of beautiful it is. You just accept it. But I understand that some of you might have a hard time distinguishing one accent from another. The key is to be able to associate the accent with something that reminds you of the culture it comes from. Know what I mean? You will. Because I’ve put together a handy little guide to help you decipher five of the toughest accents.

1. Does the person talking to you sound like they’re juggling coconuts in their mouth and roasting a pig on a spit and bottling fresh volcanic water for re-sale in North America? Then they are from Fiji.

2. Does the person talking to you have a simian brow, wear a cheap leather jacket, dance the mazurka, and take swigs of wodka in-between sentences? Then they are Russian.

3. Does the person talking to you smell like falafel and sound like they’re constantly hocking up phlegm? Then they are from the Walloon region of Belgium.

4. Does the person talking to you sort of have a tone that suggests they are better than you and won’t sleep with you? Then they are most likely a girl

5. Does the person talking to you sound like this: $$$? Then they are a Jew. [Don’t worry, Talvid is Jewish. We’re allowed.]

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I met a girl last night

January 19, 2010

Last night, I was approached on the interphone by a hot baby mama. Clearly, her intention was, to put it bluntly, talk dirtily. Usually when an e-lady talks to me outta the blue, I’m a bit skeptical. But when she’s as forward as this chick was, I’ve got no choice but to submit myself entirely. Succumb and let pure sexuality envelope my everything.

ardell
10:36
hi

Talvid
10:42
hi

ardell
10:43
hi. hi how are you today?

Talvid
10:43
good. how are you today?

ardell
10:43
my name is  paris I’m doing great today I’m 21 yrs old how old are you?

Talvid
10:43
62. can i give you my credit card number?

ardell
10:43
listen hun, I am just about to start my webcam show with jen, come chat me there in my chat room? We can cyber, I will get naked if u do..lol!

Talvid
10:45
wait. hold on. you’re moving too quickly

ardell
10:45
I can show u how to watch free if u promise not to tell anyone else how to do it???PLEASE

Talvid
10:45
can’t we talk about stuff? i’m so lonely and what i want right now is the equivalent to a hug. can you do that for me?
DON’T LEAVE ME!

ardell
10:46
well since its free the law that u gotta be 18 (nudity involved), u have to sign up with a credit card for age verification! BUT .. Once you are inside, just clikc on “Webcams” let me know what name you use to sign in with so I know it is you babe! http://www.hotwebcamlocals.com/vicky   fill out the bottom of the page then fill out the next page as well and u can see me live for free!

Talvid
10:46
i told you i am 62

ardell
10:46
Please dont mention anything about that in the chatroom once u get in ok?

Talvid
10:47
Wait a country second, you said your name was Paris. But in the diatribe, it says Vicky. You aint a Russian, are you?

ardell
10:47
OH SHIT.. k I am late to start my show, I gotta get off msn…I will see ya inside my chatroom babe.. remember not to mention that I am upgrading u for free… You can use your msn name to sign in so i know it is you..

Talvid
10:47
hold on, please!

ardell
10:47
brb soon  this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

Talvid
10:47
i’m gonna do something drastic if you don’t talk to me

ardell
10:47

brb soon  this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

Talvid
10:48
free movies?

ardell
10:48
brb soon  this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

Talvid
10:48
Can you score me a copy of Avatar on the cheap?

ardell
10:48
brb soon  this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

Talvid
10:48
now you’re just being repetitive.

ardell
10:48
brb soon  this is where i got those free movies http://www.fastwebmovies.com/myfriends

Talvid
10:48
are you wet?

Choice

January 18, 2010

People like you are not like people like me. They need answers. Answers to the questions that life asks day in, as well as day out. Here is a list of common “wha shoo ah toos, Talvid”.

Kindle vs. Book- Just got season 3 of Lost on my Kindle. Suck it, book.

LCD vs. Plasma- People say you get truer blacks with plasma. So yeah, plasma is more Obama-y.

Elevator vs. Stairs- Any man worth his salt knows that the only way to get your up and down on is to live, breathe, and shit par-motherfucking-kour.

Fast Food vs. Mom’s home cooking- Your mom gave you life, fast food takes it away. Though, to be fair, your mom didn’t invent the stuffed crust.

Stones vs. Beatles- One word: Miley fuckin Cyrus.

The Hills vs. Jersey Shore- Jersey Shore. And to think my previous guilty pleasure was lathering myself in low-cal Fluffernutter and taunting the neighbourhood MinPin.

Bush vs. Bare- Politics are not my strong point. 1970s porno is.

Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas- I know for a fact that Santa is an avid Talvid reader, so…

Learn to Feel

January 16, 2010

Talvid is all about real emotion. None of that fake Hollywood Avatar, Blind Side bee ess. Just gimme some truth, knowmean?

If you’re reading this right now, chances are you have some serious experience with loneliness and self-loathing. But if you’ve learned anything — ANYTHING — from this blog, then you’ve surely learned that you can be victorious. Not as victorious as Talvid, but still.

The video below — made by an associate — sums up what I’m talking about. Not as well as Talvid could sum it up, of course, but certainly worth your g-d d–m while.

Review: Lady Gaga’s The Fame Monster

January 12, 2010

“SHUT UP MOM!!! I’LL EAT DINNER WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY. SOME OF US HAVE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO. SOME OF US GET PAID TO REVIEW AWESOME MUSICAL ACTS. SOME OF US IS ME AND AWESOME MUSICAL ACTS IS LADY EF’N G’GA. Now kindly put the chicken tenders in the microwave and I’ll eat them (avec Bleu Cheese sauce, sil vous plait) when I’m done.”

With songs like “Bad Romance” and a Eurotrashy cover of ABBA’s “Alejandro”, you get the sense that Lady Guglielmo is truly maturing as an artist. Intros, hooks, verses, chorusii, The Fame Monster has everything you’d expect in a cd, and more. Despite consisting of only eight tracks, the longest of which comes in at 5:54, Gaga Blacksheep’s latest effort, The Fame Monster, still feels about the same weight as albums that bloated with twice as many songs. An impressive feat being at once as heavy as Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy yet as light and airy as The Simpsons’ The Simpsons Sing the Blues*. Her latest offering is reminiscent of her debut release, the more minimalist titled, The Fame. With the additional word, Monster, G’ga G’goo provides listeners with one more grouping of letters (a word) to look at on the cover of her CD. For those who have abandoned the compact disc format altogether, you’ll be pleased to discover that Gaggers and Mash is also available on iTunes. As well, she can be heard providing the musical backdrop to some of the most popular amateur porn clips on the web today.

Now mother, these chicken tenders you mentioned, I do hope, for your sake, they’re of the buffaloed variety.

*Weight measurements do not include jewel case

Establishing Dominance

January 6, 2010

Lotta people are saying that the world as we know it might end in 2012. By my calendar, that’s only a few years away. Because Talvid’s a winner, I’m not really worried about it. But like Talvid Sr. always used to say, failure to prepare is preparing to fail – and since I figure most of the post-apocalyptic competition for supremacy will come from packs of rabid wolves, Talvid’s been reading a lot of books about how to control dogs.

Here’s what you need to know (Talvid’s only telling you because he believes in fair play – you are still no threat. Talvid is staring you down right now. Talvid could do this all day. You blinked.):

1. If your dog shits where you don’t want it to, you gotta squeeze out a black banana the likes of which it has never seen. Then yell, “This is how we do!” and bang your fist against your chest. After seeing your sequoia-sized turd, your dog will know that your house is yours and yours alone to shit in.

2. If your dog doesn’t heel, handcuff its tail to your belt.

3. If your dog bites, hit it.

4. If your dog barks at kids, let it. When Talvid was growing up, there was a minor league Helen Keller living on the block. HK Jr’s big bro used to be super mean to it. When asked why, he said, “Because the world’s gonna be even meaner.” That’s why it’s important for dogs to bark at children.

5. If your dog chews on the furniture, hit it.

Follow those simple rules, and you might outlast the baying bloodthirsty dogs long enough to battle Talvid atop the rusted shell of a skyscraper whilst the remaining bedraggled masses of humanity wait to see who shall lead them to the Outlands, where it has been said plants still grow and the skies are not darkened with ash. Then Talvid will stab you in the heart with a sharpened moose antler and bathe in your blood.

Biggie Smalls, if Biggie Smalls was White.

January 4, 2010

Talvid, in case you haven’t figured it out, is a white Jewish entity. Yet that mustn’t preclude Talvid from getting down and listening to some real classic hip-hop. Stuff like: 2Pac, Boogie Down Productions, Biggie Smalls, and 2 Live Crew’s early stuff. The problem is, that growing up deeply immersed in white Jew culture, the lyrics of most rap tunes tend to go right over Talvid’s Phish themed yarmulke. To fix this problem, I downloaded the RapLyricTranslator2000 app for my iGoogle. First experiment, I ran some of the lyrics from The Notorious B.I.G.’s anthemic Big Poppa that gave me some trouble through the RLT2000, and this is what came out.

[To familiarize yourself with the track, click here.

Just kidding, here it is, swearsies.]

Notorious B.I.G: Allow me to lace these lyrical duches in your bushes

RLT2000: Would it be cool if I tried to weave boondoggle into your pubes?

Notorious B.I.G: Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies

RLT2000: People who are groovy and have a penchant for single mothers

Notorious B.I.G: Mad question askin, blunt passin, music blastin

RLT2000: We’re playing that game ‘20 questions’, passing around Altoids and watching funny clips on my iPhone app

Notorious B.I.G: But I just can’t quit

RLT2000: It’s too early to go home, my mom will think I’m a virgin (I am)

Notorious B.I.G: Believe me sweety I got enough to feed the needy

RLT2000: Seriously, I have so many pickles if you want some. Got ’em at Costco

Notorious B.I.G: No need to be greedy I got mad friends with Benz’s

RLT2000: Hey, enough with the pickles, bro. Some of my friends drive Tercels

Notorious B.I.G: C-notes by the layers, true fuckin players

RLT2000: Hilroy and Fivestar, best notebooks EVER

Notorious B.I.G: tell your friends jump in the GS3, I got the chronic by the tree

RLT2000: Tell your friends I got a PS3, and I have a chronic wheeze

Portrait of Talvid after first listening to 2Pac's "All Eyez on Me". Age, 11.

Dealing With Babies, Baby

January 1, 2010

It’s unavoidable that people will have babies. If they didn’t there would be no diaper industry — and a lot of people would have to find a new way to get their rocks off. But there’s something involving those drooling, babbling beings that should be easy to avoid but isn’t: co-workers bringing their excretions to work and thinking you give a god damn about their crawling, stanky-draw’d midgy-tards.

First off, you had sex. Talvid gets it. You don’t see me bringing my used jimmy hoods to work and going over to everyone’s desk, snapping it against their shoulder, and doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance while flicking my tongue provocatively after I had sex. So why do people bring in their babies? Duh.

To prove my point, join me, if you will (and you know you will [cuz I just flicked my tongue at you like a sexy cobra]), in a simple thought experiment. Babies are family members. So, unless you’re racist, you have to admit that it would be okay for me to treat a different family member like some people treat their babies. So how would new parents like it if I paraded my uncle Arnie around like they showcased their bubbelehs? [My uncle Arnie is a 314 LB 57-year-old with severe halitosis, irritiable bowel syndrome, and a pawnshaw’ for inappropriate touching.]

Would you like it if I asked if you wanted to hold Uncle Arnie? Would you be interested if I told you he was a good sleeper and an even better eater? How would you feel if I carried Uncle Arnie over to your desk, jammed his slobbering punnim in your face and expected that you remark on his cuteness? Unless you’re from the Republic of Pervistan, my guess is you’d wish I’d kept Uncle Arnie at home.

That’s logic. And it’s impossible for logic to be wrong.

So next time someone jams a Verne Troyer wannabe in your office space, shit yourself, let saliva roll down your chin, and start spasming on the floor. Why? Like the good book said: Ass, gas, or grass no one rides for free — and my tuchus is off-limits, fossil fuels cause global warming, and soft psychedelics are for sissies.

The rest is up to you.