Biggie Smalls, if Biggie Smalls was White.

Talvid, in case you haven’t figured it out, is a white Jewish entity. Yet that mustn’t preclude Talvid from getting down and listening to some real classic hip-hop. Stuff like: 2Pac, Boogie Down Productions, Biggie Smalls, and 2 Live Crew’s early stuff. The problem is, that growing up deeply immersed in white Jew culture, the lyrics of most rap tunes tend to go right over Talvid’s Phish themed yarmulke. To fix this problem, I downloaded the RapLyricTranslator2000 app for my iGoogle. First experiment, I ran some of the lyrics from The Notorious B.I.G.’s anthemic Big Poppa that gave me some trouble through the RLT2000, and this is what came out.

[To familiarize yourself with the track, click here.

Just kidding, here it is, swearsies.]

Notorious B.I.G: Allow me to lace these lyrical duches in your bushes

RLT2000: Would it be cool if I tried to weave boondoggle into your pubes?

Notorious B.I.G: Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies

RLT2000: People who are groovy and have a penchant for single mothers

Notorious B.I.G: Mad question askin, blunt passin, music blastin

RLT2000: We’re playing that game ‘20 questions’, passing around Altoids and watching funny clips on my iPhone app

Notorious B.I.G: But I just can’t quit

RLT2000: It’s too early to go home, my mom will think I’m a virgin (I am)

Notorious B.I.G: Believe me sweety I got enough to feed the needy

RLT2000: Seriously, I have so many pickles if you want some. Got ’em at Costco

Notorious B.I.G: No need to be greedy I got mad friends with Benz’s

RLT2000: Hey, enough with the pickles, bro. Some of my friends drive Tercels

Notorious B.I.G: C-notes by the layers, true fuckin players

RLT2000: Hilroy and Fivestar, best notebooks EVER

Notorious B.I.G: tell your friends jump in the GS3, I got the chronic by the tree

RLT2000: Tell your friends I got a PS3, and I have a chronic wheeze

Portrait of Talvid after first listening to 2Pac's "All Eyez on Me". Age, 11.


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