Establishing Dominance

Lotta people are saying that the world as we know it might end in 2012. By my calendar, that’s only a few years away. Because Talvid’s a winner, I’m not really worried about it. But like Talvid Sr. always used to say, failure to prepare is preparing to fail – and since I figure most of the post-apocalyptic competition for supremacy will come from packs of rabid wolves, Talvid’s been reading a lot of books about how to control dogs.

Here’s what you need to know (Talvid’s only telling you because he believes in fair play – you are still no threat. Talvid is staring you down right now. Talvid could do this all day. You blinked.):

1. If your dog shits where you don’t want it to, you gotta squeeze out a black banana the likes of which it has never seen. Then yell, “This is how we do!” and bang your fist against your chest. After seeing your sequoia-sized turd, your dog will know that your house is yours and yours alone to shit in.

2. If your dog doesn’t heel, handcuff its tail to your belt.

3. If your dog bites, hit it.

4. If your dog barks at kids, let it. When Talvid was growing up, there was a minor league Helen Keller living on the block. HK Jr’s big bro used to be super mean to it. When asked why, he said, “Because the world’s gonna be even meaner.” That’s why it’s important for dogs to bark at children.

5. If your dog chews on the furniture, hit it.

Follow those simple rules, and you might outlast the baying bloodthirsty dogs long enough to battle Talvid atop the rusted shell of a skyscraper whilst the remaining bedraggled masses of humanity wait to see who shall lead them to the Outlands, where it has been said plants still grow and the skies are not darkened with ash. Then Talvid will stab you in the heart with a sharpened moose antler and bathe in your blood.


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2 Responses to “Establishing Dominance”

  1. Illdo Says:

    Dear sir or madam, thank you for your advice on how to survive the apocalypse. I have one question: how would you get your hands on a moose antler on top of a destroyer skyscraper? I would expect a Swingline ™ brand stapler to be an easy find, but the weapon you propose sounds far more potent.

    Eagerly awaiting your response,


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