How To Have A Good Time Anywhere In the World

Because I have more important things to do, I’m going to put the topic of “What To Do in the Big City” to bed for once and for all. Just because everyone knows that I’ve been to all the world’s hottest hot spots — New York, London, Dubai, Wasaga — doesn’t mean I have the time to individually deal with all the SMS instant messages I get asking for what-to-do rekkies. So to save you — and more importantly, me — the trouble, below is a handy guide for how to fucking rock it hard when you touch down in a new city. Granted, you’re probably fat and fugly compared to me, so take that into consideration if you get rejected by a model-fine princess or booted from a secret bottle service-only disco lounge.

1. When you get in the cab at the airport, tell the cabbie driver where you’d like to go, then smack the glass partition as hard as you can and say, “Do not take me for a fucking ride, Yanqui!” This is code for: don’t rip me off; as well as slang for: take me to wherever gives the best root’n’tooters. Air travel is stressful — you need to release the tension.*

*Ladies, I don’t know much about slip’n’slap parlors, so just ask for a place where the manlap dances are handled with respect and courtesy.

2. Look up the URL for Yelp. Search for ‘places to dance.’ Go to the one with the highest rating. If there’s a line at the door, offer some traveler’s checks to the doorman. Once inside, find the hottest looking person there, go up to them, and say, “Why don’t you and I kick this party up a notch?” Then make a ‘snorting’ gesture. Repeat until you’re ankle deep in boogah shoogah.

3. You remembered to bring a gun, right? Shoot in the air a couple times. Cool people are attracted to danger (E.g. the success of the Rambo movies), so this activity is like a beacon for badasses. And it’s just good fun!

4. Late night all-you-can-eat sushimi! (Also, down MDMA like Tic-Tacs.)

5. At some point you’re bound to crash. If you’re at all like me,  which — just look at how you’re dressed — you’re obviously not, this will probably mean finding yourself sitting crouched on a ledge high above the street, simultaneously sobbing uncontrollably while you look down at all the fake plastic people that you have no idea how to connect with as anything other than means to ends and drunk-texting the hot girls you work with but don’t have the balls to say anything more than ‘good morning’ too, all the while daring God to give you one reason, one good reason, why you shouldn’t jump straight down into oblivion’s warm embrace.  This, folks, is why you must always carry around Chupa Chups. Those are delicious and will make you want to live!

6. If you’ve followed steps 1-5, you will wake up somewhere strange and probably missing some clothes and bleeding from the anus. Go directly to brunch. Then spend the day looking at paintings and shit. This, losers, is how you have a good time anywhere you go.

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One Response to “How To Have A Good Time Anywhere In the World”

  1. H-bomb Says:

    drunk texting hot girls is now referred to as ‘sexting.’ just a heads up.

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