How to Appreciate Art

We’ve all been there. Someone suggests you go check out the Maleshnikov exhibit at one of the local art galleries. Sure, you can say no, because sitting on your tookas jamming lime n’ jalapeno cheetos into your lime n’ jalapeno cheeto hole will be a far more satisfying experience. But no. You think, fuck it, I should expand my horizons and, in truth, it’s been awhile since I last tried to look smart. So you agree. Let’s face it though, you’re not gonna bone up on your art history. You’re not even going to bother finding out Maleshnikov’s first name. What’s that, you say? It’s not Maleshnikov? Whatever, Modigliani, who gives a slippery salamander shit (that alliteration is far more impressive than any panty waste painting you’ll ever see).  But we’re here to appreciate art, so here’s how to do it. For consistency’s sake, here’s a picture that was painted by numbers by hoModigliani.

1.    Approach the work cautiously. Pretend it’s a beautiful woman who’s standing alone at a bar. Slowly move forward. Stroke your chin 3 times, arch one eyebrow and curiously wonder aloud, “yes, but….”. Then move along to a hotter painting with bigger jugs. Mona Lisa for instance.
2.    To yourself, read the description placard. If you read it in a Norwegian accent, people will think you know your shit. You’re thinking, what’s a Norwegian accent sound like? I’m thinking, stop reading my blog, piss ant.
3.    Stand next to the painting of your choice. Shout, “Monsieur, Monsieur!”, until a staff member approaches you. Then ask him which aisle you’ll need to go to pick it up. When he feigns ignorance, demand he fetch you one of those delectable 50 cent hot dogs.
4.    Wait for someone else to approach a painting that you feel looks confusing. Chances are, that someone else will be confused by it too. When he pretends to think he understands what he’s looking at, smile, and mutter, “fool”. Not only will this make the person feel dumb, but he’ll also wonder why your dick is out. I forgot to mention that your dick should be out.

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