Tiger Woods Unfiltered Redux

Early this afternoon, Talvid’s most favourite golfer and human being issued a pretty sincere sounding apology about his past trannies (transgressions). After running his statement through our trusted PR-TALKTRANSLATOR2000, we’ve determined Tiger still hasn’t found his way.

What Tiger said: I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did was unacceptable and I am the only person to blame

Translation: I screwed up pretty huge. Next time, I’m getting a HoPhone with an airtight (mmm, tight) password that Elin’d never guess. Like, 1234.

What Tiger said: I have made you question who I am. … I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. … For all that I have done, I am so sorry

Translation: I’m sorry for deleting you all from my Motorola Razr phone (my wife threw it in the pool). I have started a facebook group called “Tiger Lost all his Digits”. Please join it and send me your numbers. Tiger wants some aysh again.

What Tiger said: When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game.

Translation: Next time I’m tapping some tasty Vegas vadge, I’m not going to expect them to swallow. That’s a privilege, not a right. Unless it explicitly says so in the blowie contract.

What Tiger said: Some people have made up things that have never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely false.

Translation: Ok, so Tawny, the Fresno Ho said that sometimes I bust a nut like super fast. Anyone that’s been with me knows that’s not usually true. And rumors about me taking Viagra is BeeEss. It was 48-hour Cialis.

What Tiger said: Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage done by my behavior. My real apology will not come in words. It will come in my behavior over time

Translation: The woman I’m “married” * Tiger does severe air quotes * to is named Elin. That is a weird foreign name. In her wobbly talk, she says a bunch of shit, but I really have no idea what she is saying. She reminds of the Swedish Chef from that awesome puppet show. I digress. But not as much as I dig bush.


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4 Responses to “Tiger Woods Unfiltered Redux”

  1. H-bomb Says:

    whether or not Tiger “digs bush” is not yet determined, so I’ll have to disagree with this article and give it 3.5/5.

  2. H-bomb Says:

    also, props for being well versed in the world of erectile dysfunction treatments.

  3. talvid Says:

    Talvid knows about boner pills.

  4. Wells Says:

    Tiger is a prime example of nerds gone wild.

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