A Hockey Hypothetical

Imagine this:

Talvid loves Canada. Naturally, I got nervous at 19:36 of the 3rd period in the game yesterday when Zach “Gay” Parise knotted things up at deucers a piece. So overtime starts and we’re talking four-on-four full-on shinny action. My heart’s just about jumping out of my chest. I think to myself, “Talvid, you’ll have a a grand mal seize-a-roony if you keep watching.” But I’ve got maple syrup in veins, moose meat in my bones, and beaver in my  [I set ’em up, you knock ’em down] — all of which is to say, I couldn’t very well shut the game off now could I?

That’s when I hit upon a solution. I’d jack it to online pooooorno whilst keeping one ear cocked on the boob tube. That way, I’d be focused on one thing but aware of the other.

So there’z I am, workin’ my normal-sized Jewish gherkin to hardcore streaming — and I do mean ‘streaming’ — vids of milf creampies when some Yank ‘nouncer says, “Iginla digs it out of the corner.” But I’m barely paying attention to the sports on account of my being otherwise engaged man-gluing a Kleenex Klan hood on Talvid Jr’s precious lil’ head.

I’m looking at spread-eagle actionay when I hear, “Crosby shoots . . . he scores!”

For the rest of my life — when Ol’ Grampy Talvid tells his grand chillun about the day Sid the Kid iced the gold; when I’m out with business associates reminiscing about The Summit Series, Gretzky to Lemieux in the ’87 Canada Cup, and Victory in Vancouver — I’ll know that while my countrymen were sitting with their eyes riveted to the screen, I was whacking off to grainy porno.

Hypothetically speaking.


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2 Responses to “A Hockey Hypothetical”

  1. Illdo Says:

    Grainy? Or granny?

  2. H-bomb Says:

    milf creampies. i think i just threw up.

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