Andy Rooney on Milkmen

Talvid has been slow lately. Both Tal and David have jobs which makes it hard to deliver the good shit day in, day out the way we used to. That got us thinking: deliver?…good shit?…the way we used to? So we asked 60 Minutes’ own Andy Rooney if he could help out and sound off on something that combined all three of our questions (deliver, good shit, and the way we used to). And brother (the all encompassing brother, not just the black kind), sound off is exactly what that bushy-browed fucker did.

*For effect, read the following with Andy’s voice*

There’s an old saying: “what goes around, comes around”. But when it comes to the age-old profession of Milkman, I’m not quite sure that’s the case any more. You see, back in the day, every morning a man, dressed in white, clean as a whistle, would come a knocking on mom’s door and deliver one, maybe two, maybe three jugs of milk. And I’m not talking about mass produced milk, nooo. I’m talking about fresh from the cow’s teat-jizm. Nowadays, if you want milk you’ve got to head to a grocery store. To hell if I’m gonna let my kids go to a GROCERY store. A place where they have the audacity to have checkout lines and frozen ice cream. I just don’t get it. Now, maybe I’m being old fashioned about it. But tell me something. When was the last time you rode your bike past a dairy farm and didn’t think, “Hey, I’d really like some fresh milk delivered right to my door”? Well every time I knock back a Tylenol Hip & Knee, and hop on the old two wheel jalopy, I head straight for the local dairy farm.

And then there’s whole question of race and segregation. Maybe if the milkman was black, and he made it with mom and then mom get pregnant (with child), well then maybe I’d have a black brother. And then people would razz old dad because, clearly the child was not his. On account of dad being a white, that is. But if mom made it with a black from the grocery store, I tell you this much, no would one would be the wiser.

If I had my druthers, and I do, I’d get my milk from a milkman. (Takes out a jug of milk and drinks it. The look on his face says it has curdled. Badly). Now that’s what I call meeeelk!

Andy sent us this picture of his face right after he chugged a bottle, unbeknownst to him, of goat's semen.

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