What To Do At Funerals

Funerals and other dumbass death rites are supposed to be a time for tears and reflection. If you’re a pussy. Funerals isn’t an anagram for “Laser Fun” by accident. Here’s five ways to spread nut butter all over a funeral’s sad sandwich:

1. [Open casket; male] Reach into the casket — right where the deceased’s pudenda would be — then turn to the person next to you and say, “Yep, still hard.”

2. [For the Jews] At the unveiling, go up to the tombstone, announce, “Ladies and gentleman, for my next trick . . . ” then whip off the veil with a flourish and say, “Shoot, still dead.”

3. Inhairatince

4. When people are sad, they’re emotionally vulnerable. When girls are emotionally vulnerable they’re vulnerable. Know what I’m saying, limpdicks?

5. Two words: After party


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