Apple’s New iMind

Talvid is an opinion leader and early adopter. Capri pants, adult scooters, multi-blade razors, chicken-based fast food sammiches — Talvid came, you followed. That being the case-a-rooni, Talvid was invited — personally, by Jobsy — to get a sneak preview of Apple’s new personal computing device, the iMind.

What in the Sam Hill is the iMind? Let me put it this way, it’s like an iPad for your brain. There were some serious flaws with the iPad — the inability to multi-task, lack of Flash capability, no camera capabilities, susceptibility to spooj stains. But those problems have now been worked out and incorporated into an even more user-friendly model (all it took was some simple back-end modding).

Alright, I’ll stop stroking your brainballs and get to the details. Technicians at Apple’s headquarters in Saucealeedo are working on a PDA that connects directly into the user’s brain. That’s right, a 5mm incision is made at the base of the cereal cortex, into which is implanted a chip (they’re still working on the flavors). Before you’re all like, holy shitballs, Talvid, isn’t this the plot of Terminator? let me say this: no. Also, they put microchips into dogs and you can kill one of those lickity split.

So once this chip is in your brain, you can then have all the apps and music and video you want uploaded directly into your noodle. You don’t even have to open your eyes and you can see all the porn you want. Same with apps — you can get all the porn apps you want. Same with music — you can bypass your cocklea and get all the moanin’ and groanin’ sound porn your heart desires. Phone calls, too. Just like the iPhone, the iMind allows you to call phonesex hotlines, but you just have to think about doing it and the call is made. Remarkable. There’s even an ‘autopilot’ function that allows you to surrender all decision making processes to the iMind. You’ll never have to have a sincere non-porn-related interaction with another human being ever again!

This is real. And really groundbreaking. You can read more about the iMind, here, here, and here.

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One Response to “Apple’s New iMind”

  1. H-Bomb Says:

    cereal cortex? my psychology degree just threw up.

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