Archive for August, 2010

Drunk At A Wedding

August 19, 2010

Talvid’s old roommate Dennis went to a wedding recently, got trashed, and behaved inappropriately. Someone was taking notes:

Bev: Offended by you asking a homeless black man where his crack
pipe was. Joann insists you grabbed her boobs and said “Wanna make
out?” but Joann says she doesn’t remember this.

Catherine: Stepped on her foot, leaving an inch-long bruise, not sure if
this was by accident or not because she said it was pretty hard. Asked
her if Dean was her boyfriend, then asked if she wanted to make out,
then handed her your business card and she handed it back to you.

Samantha: I apparently introduced you to her and she merely said “no” and
walked away.

Joe: Somehow ended up on the phone with you in our room and you
called him a faggot. Once you arrived at his room, took off your shoes
and when you left tried to put on his shoes. Also, planted yourself in
the middle of the room sprawled out on a desk chair eating pizza
dripping ranch sauce all over your shirt.

Karis: No memory of you.

Meghan: No memory of you.

Dee: Actively avoided you.

Steph: In our room, pulled up her skirt in the back and said “You like
this don’t you?”

Christine: Tried to do the same thing and this led Steph to call you a
“fucker.” You said “What? Women like stuff like that!” She said “Do
you like getting punched in the balls?” Later commented on your
“general douchiness.”

Brent: The aforementioned skirt lifting led Karis and Steph to leave
our room to ride down to Joe and Mark’s room without you, saying
they didn’t want to be trapped in the elevator with you. This then led
you to ride in the elevator down with Joe. During this, you pulled
Joe aside and said “Look, there’s going to be a room full of bitches
and hoes down there. Don’t ruin this for me.”

Joann: Tried to pull down her wedding dress in the front a couple times.

Thanks for sharing with TADBOS, Dennis. We hope this bit of publicity scores you some well deserved attention from the ladies. And here is an emoticon of a wink 😉

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The Guys’ Guide To Eat Pray Love

August 13, 2010

‘Sup, bros. Maybe you’ve seen ads lately for a movie called Eat Pray Love. They’re the ones with some old lady who looks like a Julia Roberts in all the pictures. I know what you’re thinking — “Talvid, two of the words in the title are total boner busters. Why are you wasting time I could be wasting on something else with this shit?”

Because if you want to break into the box, you’ve got to break out of the box. Chicks are all about fluffy kitten crap like praying and loving and movies that show old ladies doing those dumb things. Familiarizing yourself with a movie like this is a surefire way to make girls think that you care about babies and bath salts and emotions. But Talvid’s a bro – he wouldn’t expect you to actually sit through a picture about some wrinkled raisin of a lady eating noodles in Italy and using the Ganges as a mikvah. Instead, Talvid is gonna do you a solid. Here’s everything you need to know about EPL:

(Keep in mind that Talvid hasn’t seen it.)

1. It’s based on a book. So remember to be all like, “The movie was great, but the book was better — have you read the Alchemist? OMG. It was truly like giving my soul a Swedish massage.” Say that, you’ll be getting a massage pretty soon, too. A dick massage.

2. In the movie, the saggy sad sack that looks like Julia Roberts leaves her kinda poofty husband and starts giving it to James Franco, who TMZ never ‘spots’ with a girl (= gay). Then she meets Javier Bardem in Turkey or some other make believe place. Javier Bardem is from Belgium or somewhere like that (= gay). So this movie is about a woman who gives it to a bunch of non-men. Thus it speaks to the female fear of the man with the massive ding dong who knows how to dick dance; the Talvid-type if you will.

3. The “Eat” in the movie refers to the part in the movie where the fat funhouse mirror Julia Roberts goes to Italy and chows the fuck down. The “pray” is when she goes to an assram and gets a spiritual rub off from Buddha. The “love” is when she sticks to Javier Bardem. Clearly, this movie is femme fantasy. Sorta like a Stars Wars of the vagina.

There. That’s all you need to know. Send Talvid a post-coital text.

Cleanse your palate now:

Good Eats: Talvids Reviews ***’s, The Latest In Mexicannex Fare

August 12, 2010

“This is better than any Enchilada you’ll ever get at a restaurant”, said founder and head chef, *** ****. After wolfing down thirds of *******’s staple gastronomical special, I couldn’t help but concur with new it-Chef, *** **** of the Annex’s own, *****.

Located in the 17th floor of a decrepit post-modern chic lofto-raunt, the interior of ***’s is sparsely decorated, making it impossible to focus my brain-buds on anything but the belly timber. And brombre was the BT ever substantial. The main course, a double barrel shotgun of mouth blasting chicken enchiladas, accoutremented by a massive helping of buttered up, day-old brown rice, all stuck to my gut like a mouse, inhumanely trapped and tortured by a Walmart glue trap. That being said, I had no qualms with demanding the head chef to bake me up a third enchi; even if it meant interrupting him in the middle of a sweet True Blood eppy; the one where Sooki shows off her perky tay-tays and makes it with a buxom she-wolf.

The appy, a zesty guacamole, tasted exactly like chunky lemonade with floating bits of onions and tomatoes. However, the President’s Choice blue tortilla chips were actually quite decent; not expiring until early 2011.

After letting the food settle in the refugee camp that is my tumack, one replete with pizza-pop carcasses, and rotting buffalo chicken tenders, the Enchilada meal from *** was a more than welcome addition to the digestive hell that is always one powerful push away from sharting up my skinny cords.

So was it the best enchilada I ever paid for? No. But only because I didn’t pay for it. I give the e-lada meal at *** ‘s a rating of 4/5.

5 Tips On How To Survive A Shark Attack

August 6, 2010


In case you live under a rock, and your rock has a shit cable package, you probably don’t know that right now is The Discovery Channel’s much-hyped Shark Week. Well good thing your rock has wifi. Better thing you’ve bookmarked Talvid’s Blog of Shit. Best thing, after reading this entry you’ll no doubt be a certified shark attack survival expert so long’s you follow these 5 simple steps.

1. Prepare. When most people find themselves confronted by a deadly shark sitch, they’re usually caught off guard and begin to panic. However, I believe it was Newton (gravity inventor and sharkspert) who said, “Broseph, fight a shark on purpose before you fight one by accident”. See, this way you’ll know how to react. So go to your local PJ’s, jump into the shark tank and get your practice on. Those little Macos are no more than 110lbs, so unless you’re a Primo-dwarfer, chances are you’ll fare quite nicely. But beware, little sharks often have the most heart.
2. Reason. Great White the band aside, sharks hate loud noises. If you begin to shout, it’s likely the shark will attempt to quell the shouting by biting your mouth off. Here’s what to do. Shark swims up, you stay calm and you state your gentlemanly intentions. For example: “Hey Shark. Nice to see you here. Just swimming along minding my business. I do hope this open water is large enough for us both. I bid you farewell.”
3. Logic. What are you some kinda idiot? You can’t speak to a shark. It doesn’t speak English, fool. That’s the dolphin, guy.
4. Intimidate. Unfortunately, if you’re a woman, intimidation might be a little difficult. Sharks will respond to shows of masculinity. Specifically- show it your dick*. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? Me neither. The shark will be so emasculated by your wangdang that it will go online and look up tips on how to survive a human attack. *Will not work with an erection. As you know, sharks are attracted to blood.
5. Research. Go to multiple shark attack survival tip sources. This one bites, shark-pun intended, and will totally get you to’ up. They don’t call ‘em sharks for nothing.

4 Ways To Make A Good First Impression At Your New Job

August 5, 2010

From what I understand, the job market isn’t good. Even the amount of jobs BP created to help clean up the sinking of the oil tanker Katrina or whatever the hell happened has barely made a dent in the unemployment rate. Grim news.

Naturally, though, if you’re one of the lucky ones able to land a jobberooski, you’re gonna try your best to keep it.

But how?!

The key is making a good first impression. Studies have shown that 85% of car accidents happen close to home. See? Didn’t I make a good impression on you by dropping that insane knowledge? The workplace is no different. Get off on the right foot, then get off on the left one. Then both your feet are happy and you’ll never get fired again.

Tip #1. Show up late. Managing expectations is one of the keys to workplace effectiveness. Sooner or later you’re gonna get bored at the office. You’ll get to the point where you can do all the shit you need to do in like 3 hours and then just IM or look at teenage Asian girls on Friendster till it’s home time. By showing up late, you’re telling your boss that you don’t play games. You’re not dicking around and making it look like you’re busy and putting in a full workday just because that’s what’s expected and legally required in your contract. No — you’re a professional.

Tip #2. Bring treats for the office. A box of Timmy Ho’s crullers or ramekins of rice pudding or whatever you savages like to stuff in your fat faces. Here’s the rub, though: Don’t share any. Business success is largely about appearances. Bringing enough food for everyone sends the signal that, “Hey, this son of a bitch is loaded!” Not sharing any lets people know that they can’t expect to suckle at your sweet titty all day. If they want something, they’ll have to get it themselves or pay you for it. That’s life. And life is work.

Tip #3. Don’t learn the receptionist’s name. Let’s be blunt: You’re going to say something sexually inappropriate to her at some point. You’ll probably even jam her photocopier, if you know what I mean. (Have sex in her butt in the office while dressed like a pilgrim.) But if you don’t know her name, she can’t play the harassment card. You can only harass people you know, and if you don’t know someone’s name, they’re a stranger. Any child or child predator knows that.

Tip #4. Offer to help someone with their work, then drop the ball. No one will blame the new guy. They’ll chalk up your mistakes to not knowing the ropes. It’s your co-worker that will get reamed. Then, when you DO get stuff done, that will only confirm everyone’s negative thoughts about your idiot co-worker, who suddenly seems sort of expendable. Advantage you.

Why should you trust Talvid? Well, Talvid is so successful he’s never even had to work for, or with, anybody else. So do what Talvid says and pretty soon, by like the end of the first week, you’ll be in a perfect pozzish to ask for a raise.