4 Ways To Make A Good First Impression At Your New Job

From what I understand, the job market isn’t good. Even the amount of jobs BP created to help clean up the sinking of the oil tanker Katrina or whatever the hell happened has barely made a dent in the unemployment rate. Grim news.

Naturally, though, if you’re one of the lucky ones able to land a jobberooski, you’re gonna try your best to keep it.

But how?!

The key is making a good first impression. Studies have shown that 85% of car accidents happen close to home. See? Didn’t I make a good impression on you by dropping that insane knowledge? The workplace is no different. Get off on the right foot, then get off on the left one. Then both your feet are happy and you’ll never get fired again.

Tip #1. Show up late. Managing expectations is one of the keys to workplace effectiveness. Sooner or later you’re gonna get bored at the office. You’ll get to the point where you can do all the shit you need to do in like 3 hours and then just IM or look at teenage Asian girls on Friendster till it’s home time. By showing up late, you’re telling your boss that you don’t play games. You’re not dicking around and making it look like you’re busy and putting in a full workday just because that’s what’s expected and legally required in your contract. No — you’re a professional.

Tip #2. Bring treats for the office. A box of Timmy Ho’s crullers or ramekins of rice pudding or whatever you savages like to stuff in your fat faces. Here’s the rub, though: Don’t share any. Business success is largely about appearances. Bringing enough food for everyone sends the signal that, “Hey, this son of a bitch is loaded!” Not sharing any lets people know that they can’t expect to suckle at your sweet titty all day. If they want something, they’ll have to get it themselves or pay you for it. That’s life. And life is work.

Tip #3. Don’t learn the receptionist’s name. Let’s be blunt: You’re going to say something sexually inappropriate to her at some point. You’ll probably even jam her photocopier, if you know what I mean. (Have sex in her butt in the office while dressed like a pilgrim.) But if you don’t know her name, she can’t play the harassment card. You can only harass people you know, and if you don’t know someone’s name, they’re a stranger. Any child or child predator knows that.

Tip #4. Offer to help someone with their work, then drop the ball. No one will blame the new guy. They’ll chalk up your mistakes to not knowing the ropes. It’s your co-worker that will get reamed. Then, when you DO get stuff done, that will only confirm everyone’s negative thoughts about your idiot co-worker, who suddenly seems sort of expendable. Advantage you.

Why should you trust Talvid? Well, Talvid is so successful he’s never even had to work for, or with, anybody else. So do what Talvid says and pretty soon, by like the end of the first week, you’ll be in a perfect pozzish to ask for a raise.


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