Archive for September, 2010

Five Ways To Smuggle Drugs At The Airport

September 20, 2010

I don’t need to tell you, the faithful, how big of a deal Talvid is anymore. By now you’ve read about me in the news, the tabbies, and Tal and David’s Blog of Shit. And because I’m such a big deal (you should know this), I travel a lot. And by travel, I don’t mean walking, taking the train or other lame shit; I mean flying first class on Private Concords. We’re talking Lear Jet shit, guy.

But the one thing I can’t avoid, just like you guys, is getting hassled by the motherfuggin man. I’m talking airport security. They’re always getting into my b’ggage and saying “you can’t bring this, you can’t bring that”. Totes annoy-noy, right?

Because this blog isn’t just about me-me-me, I’ma go ahead and drop a sick knowledge bomb on your ass.
Without further uh-dew, here’s 5 ways to smuggle illegal narcotics past airport security.

1. Marijuana– The good thing here is, even if you’re caught, this one’s only a mister meaner. Jailtime will be minimal – espesh in Thailand. So if you absolutely must have some skunky wunky on the plane, hide that shit in a gun. The feds will never think to look inside a gun for no weed.
2. Cocaine– Obviously, you know the one about filling a balloon with cocaine and stuffing it in your bumhole. Now that’s reliable, but it’s anything but fresh. So for maximum freshness, use a Ziploc sandwich bag. But don’t be a dummy and label it, “Cocaine”. “Booger Sugar” will do just fine.
3. Mushrooms– Easy. Now this one actually involves you getting caught. Be straight up with it. Tell security that, “yes, these are, in fact, psilocybin mushrooms, but I’m mas allergic to them”. Think about it. Why would someone who’s allergic to something want to eat them? That’s just silly.
4. LSD– Whether you have one tab, or 60, the best place to hide acid is directly under your tongue.
5. Heroin– While I don’t condone the use of this one (I don’t condom it either -lol), this method of hiding it is rather fail-proof. All you need is a plastic hypodermic needsy weedsy, a leather belt, and Morrison Hotel on your iPod. Yeah guy, you’re hiding it in your veins. If anyone knows how to get it out once you’ve landed, please share.


Today I Was the Common Man

September 8, 2010

Aka, Talvid

Aka, Talvid

I guess it’s the first day of school today. More of an assumption really, given that yesterday was Labour Day and today is the first day of school. Day.

Walking down the street, as I’m loath to do, en route to my powerful job in the CBD of the world’s best city, I took sight of car after car ferrying children to their first day of college life. You see, today, my Lincoln Continental hatchback was in the shop and my driver had come down with a case of the I-fired-him, so transit was my only opsh.

I suppose it’s really not that big a deal to myself, but to the average citizen, the mere pedestrian, catching a glimpse of me in person is no less wetness-inducing than the second coming of Jesus Harold Christ. “Talvid is among us!”, “he’s far more beautiful in person, let’s all orgy him!”, I could hear them shouting. Look, I get it. I’m one handsome notch above George Clooney and Brad Pitt combined, I have a rip-roaring blog, and my scent is like that of your own fart; I smell good to you. Doesn’t mean the attention doesn’t make me uncomfortable. In other words, the attention makes me comfortable. Actually, I’m not really sure. That was a triple negative and I don’t know how to fix it.

Speaking of which: to all the women who posted in the Missed Connections section on Craigslist saying shit like “we made eyes at each other on the bus”, or “you look like the kinda man who makes other men look like women”, or, “I lost my cat, have you seen it (pretty sure that’s a euphomology for, “my lady cat is lonely, please pleasure it”), I’ll call you.

So that brings me to the point of this essay: Is this what being in public is like for all you guys out there? I mean, obviously I don’t think so, but it’s nice to pretend like you value the opinion of others.

5 Steps To The Ideal Labour Day Weekend

September 1, 2010
Tom Cochrane

Tom Cochrane

This upcoming weekend, we celebrate the May 2-4 Labour Day weekend. Everyone’s always asking Talvid, “hey mun, how do you do it up big on a long weekend?”. Naturally I just do a Steve Austin style point-at-my-crotch and keep walking. But because you didn’t ask, I’m a tell you how to bro out big-time come LD (Labour Day, not Long Dick- you dog, you).

1. Get a 2-4 of Smirnoff Ice. {Smacks you in the pecker}. Bro, if you actually just went out and bought that; stop reading, you’re not worthy of my advice. A 2-4 of Molson Wildcat will do just fine.
2. Get the entire Rush Box Set. Only play YYZ, the rest is pretty shit.
3. Repeat step #2.
4. Go to the Hooters in Barrie. For Barrie, it’s a classy joint. If I had to compare it to something in Toronto, I’d compare it to Hooters.
5. One word: Wasaga Beach. Wasaga Beach is where you go if you want the first 4 steps wrapped in one sandy, whale-tailed, STD-ridden pig in a blanket.

And hey, if these steps didn’t work out and your weekend was a big old waste, blame yourself. It’s your fault you’re not Talvid.