I don’t need to tell you, the faithful, how big of a deal Talvid is anymore. By now you’ve read about me in the news, the tabbies, and Tal and David’s Blog of Shit. And because I’m such a big deal (you should know this), I travel a lot. And by travel, I don’t mean walking, taking the train or other lame shit; I mean flying first class on Private Concords. We’re talking Lear Jet shit, guy.
But the one thing I can’t avoid, just like you guys, is getting hassled by the motherfuggin man. I’m talking airport security. They’re always getting into my b’ggage and saying “you can’t bring this, you can’t bring that”. Totes annoy-noy, right?
Because this blog isn’t just about me-me-me, I’ma go ahead and drop a sick knowledge bomb on your ass.
Without further uh-dew, here’s 5 ways to smuggle illegal narcotics past airport security.
1. Marijuana– The good thing here is, even if you’re caught, this one’s only a mister meaner. Jailtime will be minimal – espesh in Thailand. So if you absolutely must have some skunky wunky on the plane, hide that shit in a gun. The feds will never think to look inside a gun for no weed.
2. Cocaine– Obviously, you know the one about filling a balloon with cocaine and stuffing it in your bumhole. Now that’s reliable, but it’s anything but fresh. So for maximum freshness, use a Ziploc sandwich bag. But don’t be a dummy and label it, “Cocaine”. “Booger Sugar” will do just fine.
3. Mushrooms– Easy. Now this one actually involves you getting caught. Be straight up with it. Tell security that, “yes, these are, in fact, psilocybin mushrooms, but I’m mas allergic to them”. Think about it. Why would someone who’s allergic to something want to eat them? That’s just silly.
4. LSD– Whether you have one tab, or 60, the best place to hide acid is directly under your tongue.
5. Heroin– While I don’t condone the use of this one (I don’t condom it either -lol), this method of hiding it is rather fail-proof. All you need is a plastic hypodermic needsy weedsy, a leather belt, and Morrison Hotel on your iPod. Yeah guy, you’re hiding it in your veins. If anyone knows how to get it out once you’ve landed, please share.