In case you live under a rock, and your rock has a shit cable package, you probably don’t know that right now is The Discovery Channel’s much-hyped Shark Week. Well good thing your rock has wifi. Better thing you’ve bookmarked Talvid’s Blog of Shit. Best thing, after reading this entry you’ll no doubt be a certified shark attack survival expert so long’s you follow these 5 simple steps.
1. Prepare. When most people find themselves confronted by a deadly shark sitch, they’re usually caught off guard and begin to panic. However, I believe it was Newton (gravity inventor and sharkspert) who said, “Broseph, fight a shark on purpose before you fight one by accident”. See, this way you’ll know how to react. So go to your local PJ’s, jump into the shark tank and get your practice on. Those little Macos are no more than 110lbs, so unless you’re a Primo-dwarfer, chances are you’ll fare quite nicely. But beware, little sharks often have the most heart.
2. Reason. Great White the band aside, sharks hate loud noises. If you begin to shout, it’s likely the shark will attempt to quell the shouting by biting your mouth off. Here’s what to do. Shark swims up, you stay calm and you state your gentlemanly intentions. For example: “Hey Shark. Nice to see you here. Just swimming along minding my business. I do hope this open water is large enough for us both. I bid you farewell.”
3. Logic. What are you some kinda idiot? You can’t speak to a shark. It doesn’t speak English, fool. That’s the dolphin, guy.
4. Intimidate. Unfortunately, if you’re a woman, intimidation might be a little difficult. Sharks will respond to shows of masculinity. Specifically- show it your dick*. Have you ever seen a shark wiener? Me neither. The shark will be so emasculated by your wangdang that it will go online and look up tips on how to survive a human attack. *Will not work with an erection. As you know, sharks are attracted to blood.
5. Research. Go to multiple shark attack survival tip sources. This one bites, shark-pun intended, and will totally get you to’ up. They don’t call ‘em sharks for nothing.