‘Sup, bros. Maybe you’ve seen ads lately for a movie called Eat Pray Love. They’re the ones with some old lady who looks like a Julia Roberts in all the pictures. I know what you’re thinking — “Talvid, two of the words in the title are total boner busters. Why are you wasting time I could be wasting on something else with this shit?”
Because if you want to break into the box, you’ve got to break out of the box. Chicks are all about fluffy kitten crap like praying and loving and movies that show old ladies doing those dumb things. Familiarizing yourself with a movie like this is a surefire way to make girls think that you care about babies and bath salts and emotions. But Talvid’s a bro – he wouldn’t expect you to actually sit through a picture about some wrinkled raisin of a lady eating noodles in Italy and using the Ganges as a mikvah. Instead, Talvid is gonna do you a solid. Here’s everything you need to know about EPL:
(Keep in mind that Talvid hasn’t seen it.)
1. It’s based on a book. So remember to be all like, “The movie was great, but the book was better — have you read the Alchemist? OMG. It was truly like giving my soul a Swedish massage.” Say that, you’ll be getting a massage pretty soon, too. A dick massage.
2. In the movie, the saggy sad sack that looks like Julia Roberts leaves her kinda poofty husband and starts giving it to James Franco, who TMZ never ‘spots’ with a girl (= gay). Then she meets Javier Bardem in Turkey or some other make believe place. Javier Bardem is from Belgium or somewhere like that (= gay). So this movie is about a woman who gives it to a bunch of non-men. Thus it speaks to the female fear of the man with the massive ding dong who knows how to dick dance; the Talvid-type if you will.
3. The “Eat” in the movie refers to the part in the movie where the fat funhouse mirror Julia Roberts goes to Italy and chows the fuck down. The “pray” is when she goes to an assram and gets a spiritual rub off from Buddha. The “love” is when she sticks to Javier Bardem. Clearly, this movie is femme fantasy. Sorta like a Stars Wars of the vagina.
There. That’s all you need to know. Send Talvid a post-coital text.
Cleanse your palate now: